The F Word Had Four Letters

In my entire life (I am 30, now, you know) I have had 2 out-of-body experiences, if you don't count the numerous times I was on medication for kidney stones. Believe me...there's a slew of stories there. But you're not going to hear them today! Both of my non-medicated out-of-body experiences were in high school. On each occassion, I got so angry that I just lost myself. The first time was in chemistry class. Now, let me preface this by saying that I was NOT GOOD at chemsitry. My lab partner (A.K.A. my best friend) and I couldn't even round off the edges of our glass stirrer sticks without: 1. melting them together 2. melting them to our hair 3. melting them to the inside of the trash can. (Hannah and I celebrating the survival of chemistry class) Ah, fond memories. It may be pointless to say, but my chemistry teacher and I did not have the best relationship. It wasn't just because the other Ms. Break-It and I were total clutzes; it also had to do with the fact that I always needed to know WHY. And my teacher, whose God-given personality was much different than mine, didn't always feel the need to fill me in on the WHY. Anyways... One day in chemistry class, I got so angry that I went into a kind of trance. I snapped out of it when I heard someone say the D-word. Out loud. In the middle of class. I gasped in shock, and looked over at my best friend (A.K.A. let's see who can blow it up first) and I said, "Oh my goodness! Someone just said the D-word!" And she said, "Yeah! You did!" WHAT?!? I couldn't believe it! I was so angry I had no memory of cursing. And thankfully, my chemistry teacher was either so distracted or so angry herself that she didn't recall hearing it. I scooted my foul-mouthed hiney out of a detention that day. But I deserved one. I wish I could say that chemsitry class was the only time I ever swore. But it's not true. And lately, I've been going head-to-head with another foul, four letter word. F-E-A-R. It was buried deep, but its roots were thick, and I've had one heck of a time digging it out of my heart. For a long time, I didn't know it was there. I spent years treating the symptoms of fear, and then Pastor Gebhards gave a sermon of conquering sin that made it all come into light. To har him say it way better than I am going to, click on this link: Overcoming Stubborn Sins  The main scriptures Pastor Gebhards used were: James 1:13-16: When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. James 4:1-3: What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. Pastor Gebhards used these scriptures to describe the process of sin. Step #1: Our AMBITIONS and MOTIVATIONS WHY do we do what we do? These are deep in our hearts. Step #2: Our DESIRES and LUSTS WHAT we seek after based on our ambitions and motivations. Step #3: TEMPTATION Satan and the world tempt us based on our desires. Step #4: SIN WHAT we do or don't do that brings grief to God. Step #5: DEATH If we continue in sin and do not stop to repent and allow God to make us new, then our sin ends in death. Hell. Eternal separation from Christ. Pastor Gebhards said that most people wage war on sin somewhere on the ground between temptation and sin. This is a losing battle. It's like holding a bite of chocolate cake in your mouth and trying not to swallow. The battle needs to be fought on the grounds of motivation and desire. What does the Bible say about motivation and desire? 2 Corinthians 5:9: So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. We did this exercise in our Lifegroup where we chose a sin and worked backwards to see what our desires and motivations were. Here's what mine looked like. Step #4: SIN: Bad attitude towards Marc and his decisions. Step #3: TEMPTATION: Frustration because he doesn't do things my way. Step #2: DESIRE: To be in control. Step #1: MOTIVATION: Fear of future/being out of control. I needed to deal with the root of fear; otherwise I would just continue to keep being tempted in the same way, and I'd keep falling into the same sin. Why? Because I'm human. It's what we do. Over the next few months, I made an effort to do this process with a lot of my sins. And almost every single time, I found that my motivation was FEAR. Ugh. Big, fat root. Growing lots of ugly thistles. Time to do some weeding. I made a long list of things I feared: safety of my children, acceptance of the world, weakness, discomfort, and on and on and on. Next, I needed to see what the Bible said about FEAR. When I searched I found that it wasn't fear itself that was causing me problems, it was what I was fearing.  And what I wasn't fearing. I wasn't fearing the LORD. Here's what the Bible says about fearing the LORD: Deuteronomy 5:29: Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever! Joshua 24:14: Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. Proverbs 1:7: Fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; only fools despise wisdom and discipline. 1 Peter 2:17: Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. It was obvious that I needed to change my motivation. Here's how that change played out on paper: Step #1: MOTIVATION: Fear of the LORD Step #2: DESIRE: Honor and glorify God Step #3: TEMPTATION: Fear something other than God Step #4: SIN: Instead of falling into sin, the outcome is faith. Surrender. Humility. LIFE. Now, just like everything else in life, "Easier said than done." It is so, so true. But, to use another cliche, the first step to solving any problem is, uh, finding out what the real problem is. Or something like that. And discovering the ROOT of my sin issues has allowed me to start down the path of solution. Restoration. Redemption. The amazing thing is that on that path, I don't do the work; God does. I just submit to Him. Even still, I fail. All the time. I worry that people will think we're adopting because we're crazy or motivated solely by emotion. I worry that I won't be a good enough mother to my existing children and my incoming children. I worry about what the social worker will think of our house. I worry that our children will resent our decision to adopt (though they are both absolutely thrilled right now :) ). I worry that we won't raise enough money.  I worry that I won't ever get to soak in a bath tub again.  But in the midst of all that worry and fear, the Holy Spirit reminds me of what I've learned: that the only thing I need to fear is the LORD. And so I drag my feet that are weary with worry and I stumble back on the path that leads to LIFE. I reset my motivation by spending quiet time in prayer and in God's Word. And I find, through God's perfect grace, the strength to fear the LORD. 1 Chronicles 16:25: For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. **P.S.  I updated our adoption timeline again!  Check it out by scrolling to the top of this page and clicking "here."**