I Felt Like It.

It was ...**shudder**... that time of the month!

Which, naturally, meant that everything going wrong suddenly seemed way, way worse!

And at 6:24 pm, I looked at my husband and said, "Oh! I  haven't even cooked dinner yet!"

And he said, "I know!  What are you making?"

And I wailed, "I don't know!!!!!!!"

He kindly tried to help by saying, "Well, honey, what do you feel like?"

And I replied a tad dramatically, "What do I feel like?

WHAT DO I FEEL LIKE?

I FEEL LIKE DISAPPEARING FOR ETERNITY INTO A ROOM WITH LOTS OF PILLOWS AND A BOOK!"

He smiled.

"And chocolate."

Sniff, sniff.

He lovingly produced a carton of ice cream, a sauce pan for a bowl, and a wooden spoon.  Then, goodies in hand, he escorted me to our bedroom and handed me Jane Eyre.  He shut the door, went downstairs, and grilled burgers.

Sigh.

I have a wonderful husband.

(This is awesomeness right here!)

I enjoyed by Neapolitan ice cream and British romance, but I must admit...as the troops tromped up the stairs to get ready for tuck-in time, I started to fell awful.  As nice as it was to indulge myself a little, I had also missed out on some high quality family time.

:(

And, honestly, regret is usually (okay, always) the outcome whenever I do something because I feel like it.

Emotions are powerful.

Emotions are created by God.

Emotions are given to us for a reason.

But that reason is NOT to motivate or determine our actions.

A wise woman named Melissa Spencer said that our emotions are meant to signal us that there's a problem.  but they shouldn't determine how we address the problem.

Think of a class full of elementary students.  When the fire alarm goes off, it signals to the children that there is a problem.  If the alarm itself motivated or determined the actions of the students, they would:

-scream

-yell

-run

-cry

It would be pandemonium!

But instead, they look to their teacher to tell them what it means and how they should respond, and the teacher tells them to walk quietly out of the building in single file because there is danger.

That's what we're supposed to do.  When our emotions send us a signal, we're supposed to look to our Teacher to see what we need to do.

At the end of a recent sermon, Pastor Gebhards gave us three words:

FEELING

THOUGHT

TRUTH

Pastor G said that the only thing on this list that should motivate or determine our actions is the last one:  TRUTH.

Why?

Because my feelings will deceive me.

Because my thoughts will deceive me.

Because my thoughts and my feelings are mine.

The Bible says, The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.  Jeremiah 17:9

And, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD.  "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."  Isaiah 55:8

But truth comes from God.

John 14:6:  Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one can come to the Father except through me."  

So what does all this mean?

When I find myself feeling scared or angry or sad or hopeless or out of control, then I need to realize that is a signal that something is wrong.  In me.  I need to go to my Teacher, and figure out what Truth of His applies to the situation at hand.  I need to go to the One who gave me Scripture, and figure out what God wants to change in me.  Because if there's a change that needs to be made, it's going to be in my heart.

Do I need compassion?  Faith? Joy? Peace? Selflessness?

What does God want to change in me?

Then, whatever it is, I need to act it out even if I don't feel like it.

Because it's truth, from God.

And when I trust, and when I obey, then God will meet me and give me proper motivation and appropriate emotion.

Author Linda Dillow puts it this way:  God does give us motivation, God does give us feelings, but usually they come as a result of our obedience to Him.  We must first make a decision of the will and then act, stepping out in obedience to God.  God promises He is at work within us, doing His part.  And that's exciting!  

It WORKS!

I promise.

Not that I'm great at it.

But when I get it,

I GET IT!

I get compassion and faith and joy and peace and selflessness and a whole slew of other things that are gifts from God himself.

I am visual.

So this is what I have had to do.  I have had to write down on paper every worry I have about our adoption.  And then, underneath, I list the Truth from Scripture breathed by God that needs to drown out the emotions shouting and screaming worldly lies to me.

-paperwork delays

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  Romans 8:28-29

-worries about girls' safety

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  1 Peter 5:7

-financial obstacles

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

-persecution

Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

-self doubt

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:29-31

-discouragement

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

-worry

I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid.  John 14:27

-concern over political state in the girls' country

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

When I do this, God will change me.  But I can't give up.  I can't stop after one try or two or three, I must keep persevering, giving it 100% until change happens.

And above all, I must remember this:

John 16:33  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  but take heart, because i have overcome the world.  John 16:33

PS I took a break half way through this post to pick up my son, and this song was on the radio.  In the words of my husband, "If you're a Christian, you can't believe in coincidences!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7JTx1ScD-w&spfreload=10

Hypocrites, Crime Rates, and the NFL Draft: A Lesson in Remembrance

When “practicing” for our home study visits (oh, dear, yes—I felt the need to have rehearsals), Marc and I asked each other questions that we thought our social worker might ask.  The one I anticipated (or feared) the most was this:

What is your spouse’s most annoying trait? 

I wanted to make sure I knew what Marc’s answer would be so that I wouldn't react with shock and anger in front of the social worker. 

Marc’s answer? 

My penchant for picking scabs.

Especially his. 

And, of course, he wanted to know what I thought his most annoying trait was in return. 

My answer?

His inability to remember anything unrelated to football or depressing statistics. 

Seriously. 

He can tell you every single NFL Draft hopeful’s Wonder lick score, and how many people are starving in each third world country.  He can even tell you every Browns draft pick for the last 15 years, as well as the crime rates in the United States’ top 100 most dangerous cities. 

But if you want to know where the peanut butter is, you’re sunk.  Even if I just told him five minutes ago. 

Now, please don’t think poorly of my husband.  He really can’t help it.  And I do believe that he tries his best; he just wasn't born with an instinctual Uterine-shaped tracking device.  And I bring this up only to illustrate how absolutely hypocritical I can be. 

See, just today, I forgot. 

I forgot about God’s goodness.

Psalm 34:8:  Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

I forgot about His Sovereignty.

Psalm 73:28:  But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

I forgot about His Promise to stay with us.

Deuteronomy 31:8: Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

I forgot about His Presence.

Isaiah 41:10:  Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

I forgot about His Promise to work things for His good.

Romans 8:28:  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

I even forgot about His Love.

John 3:16:  For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

And I forget these things all the time. 

Today, it was a failed international wire transfer that made me forget the characteristics of God. 

The silliest thing is, He had just given me a wonderful reminder not an hour earlier. 

I left our house after lunch with a long list of errands.  The first was to head off to the library to print off some adoption documents and tutoring lesson plans.  We have a printer, but I have been unable to hook it up to our refurbished laptop.  (Hopefully, by the time I post this, that problem has been remedied.) 

Anyways…

I printed my stack of papers and went to the front desk to pay my two dollars and ten cents.  The librarian, a sweet woman who is always very quick to help, apologized for not putting my random papers in order. 

I told her it was okay, that I was printing a little bit of everything—from vocabulary worksheets to adoption forms. 

“Oh!  Are you adopting your little boys?” she asked excitedly. 

“No, we’re adding two girls.” 

She asked me questions for almost twenty minutes, sharing in my excitement and passion.  She told me of her son, who was adopted at age three and who defied so many odds to become a successful adult and a soon-to-be college graduate.  She became enraged as I told her of the conditions in our daughters’ birth country.  And she encouraged me to look past my children’s disabilities and to set my goals and hopes and dreams high so that my children can set theirs high, too. 

I walked away so encouraged. 

Seventy-two minutes later, I was grousing on the phone to my husband because of a wasted hour at the bank, another delay, and three things un-crossed off my to-do list.  (Oh, the terror!) 

I forgot. 

God reminded me several hours later when I received a phone call that not only cleared up some financial concerns but also hit me smack in the face with God’s goodness.

His Sovereignty. 

His Promises. 

His Presence. 

His Love. 

The Bible hosts scores of top rate forgetters.  Possibly the most famous, mainly because they numbered into the millions, were the Israelites. 

Blood.

Frogs.

Gnats.

Flies.

Livestock.

Boils.

Hail.

Locusts.

Darkness.

Death.

Finally, Freedom. 

But the pharaoh changes his mind and comes charging after the Israelites.  Troops,  chariots, and horses come pounding through the dry sand in hot pursuit.

The Israelites are trapped between impassible water and mortal enemies. 

As their vision narrows in on their problem, they forget about the obvious solution:

God. 

Not just any God.

THE God, who JUST got finished sending ten insanely, unnaturally natural signs that showed His great love and mercy for His chosen people.

In Exodus fourteen, the people complain to Moses, saying, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness?  Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt?  Why did you make us leave?”  

(Duh! You were mistreated slaves!) 

And Moses responds, “Don’t be afraid.  Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you.  The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again.  The Lord himself will fight for you.  You won’t have to lift a finger in your defense!” 

I think my wonderful friend, Lynda, paraphrased Moses best, when she said, “Shut up and get out of the way!  God’s got this!” 

She would know.  She’s walking with her husband through his second battle with cancer.  And the confidence she displays in the Creator and the Savior astounds me.  She has not forgotten.

(Lynda and her husband, Allen)

Thank You, Father, for teaching me, for redeeming my weaknesses and failures through spiritual, life changing victories.  I love you.  Help me to remember. 

Amen. 

Isaiah 46:9:  And do not forget the things I have done throughout history.  For I am God—I alone!  I am God, and there is no one else like me. 

P.S.  An update on the wire transfer…Since our bank could not do it, I was told to try a bigger bank.  I literally drove downtown and pulled into the tallest bank building I could find.  And upon entering, I headed to the first open banker:  A woman who just so happens to speak Russian.  Which is the language in which half of my paperwork happens to be written.   A woman who offered to help us out with our Russian before and after our adoption is made final.  Shut up, Becky, and get out of the way!  GOD’S GOT THIS!   

Knowing

So, I’m a bit of a control freak.  And THAT may be a bit of an understatement.  I can cite several instances of DNA or situational evidence to show why I am that way, but for now, I will entertain you with a story of an airplane trip. 

I hate flying.

HATE IT. 

See, I was in a couple car accidents (I’m not a very good driver) shortly after marrying my main man, and they kind of made me understand what it means to have absolutely no control over my life.  I came very close to dying twice, but managed to walk away unscathed.  And once again, those are stories for another post.  However, despite God’s amazing deliverance from those two accidents, my faith in God did not grow; instead, I became even more fearful. 

So…here I was, several months later, flying to visit my sister in North Carolina.  She herself had just been in a car accident, and she didn't want to drive back to Ohio alone.  So, naturally, I went to be a "comfort."  Me.  Who had to close my eyes and go to a "happy place" every time she  got in a car.  Who refused to drive on four lane highways and barely survived riding on them.  What was I thinking?

Anyways....the first flight was from Columbus to Cleveland.  Yes, I know.  I went north to go south.  But it was cheap.  It was raining, and the plane was one of those tiny things that had one seat on one side of the aisle and two on the other.  I was on the two seater side, sitting next to a pretty, blonde business woman.

We lifted off.

It was horrible.

It started to thunder, and every boom shook our little plane.

With every boom, I grabbed the pretty blonde lady's leg and yelled in terror.

She was very comforting.

Thank goodness she didn't sue me.

Then, it started lightning.

Oy.  I was sure it would hit the wing.

I kept asking the lady, "Should we let the pilot know about the storm?"

And she would say, "I'm sure he sees it, honey."

"But are you sure?  I just need to know he sees it."

"I'm sure, dear.  Now could you let go?  I think you've given me a run in my panty hose."

"Oh.  Sorry."  

I guarantee you it was the longest forty-five minutes of my life.

And of hers.

And I think we all could have saved ourselves the hassle if they just would have let me talk to the pilot.  I needed to know for sure that he was aware of the storm.

There’s something else I don’t know for sure, something that plagues me at every physical and at every doctor’s appointment I've ever gone to.  When a woman fills out paper work at a doctor’s office, there are a series of questions she is asked about her health.  They want to know past surgeries, allergies, shot records, and on and on and on.  Eventually, they ask her how many pregnancies she’s had, and how many children she’s given birth to.  Those are the questions that are hard for me to answer, because I don’t know. 

How can I not know? 

Well, the story goes like this. 

Marc and I had been married just over a year when I started bleeding, kind of like that woman in Luke 8.  This was the second time it had happened.  The first time, Marc and I had been engaged, and after about 20 days of it, I went to the doctor, who told me my hormones were imbalanced, I had a cyst, and birth control would fix it all.  I went on the birth control, the bleeding stopped, and I became Cruella Devil.  No dogs were killed in my brief time as an out of control psycho woman, but I did not at all like the way I felt and acted.  So as soon as the problem was resolved, I went off the birth control. 

When the bleeding started the second time, I called my doctor to let her know that I was having the same problem.  She was busy, and stressed, and overbooked.  So instead of scheduling an appointment, she just called in a prescription for more birth control. 

Here’s the worst part.  I was busy, and stressed, and overbooked too.  So I didn't question her decision.  The symptoms were the same, so I imagined it was the same problem.  I was too busy to stop and think that one major thing in my life was different—one major thing that I should have brought to the doctor’s attention, that may have changed her mind about my situation. 

I was now sexually active. 

Which meant there was a possibility I could be pregnant. 

 I ordered the pills, started taking them, and the bleeding didn't stop. 

I called the doctor.  She said not to worry; it may take a while. 

Thirty days turned to forty-five, turned to sixty.

I called again. 

Give it another month. 

But I’d really like an appointment. 

I don’t have room in my schedule.  Call me if it doesn't stop after another month. 

Okay. 

Eighty days. 

On day eighty-five, I woke up in excruciating pain.  Not constant, but about every three minutes I would be doubled over, fighting to breathe.  It would ease, then come again.  I tried to go to work, but an hour in I had to call my grandpa to take me home.  He wisely took me to my mom’s house, and I called my doctor.  She still didn't want to see me.  I went upstairs to the bathroom I had used thousands of times in my childhood, sat down on the toilet and stared into the mirror as I had done every day multiple times until I had moved out of their house and in with my husband. As I braced myself against the white and gold Formica counter top, I passed the largest blood clot I had ever seen, and the pain stopped.

I didn't know what it meant.  But I knew I was really sick. 

I called another doctor, and he said that I needed to be seen immediately. 

My husband was off work by then, and drove me to his office.  I checked in, and they called me back right away. 

How long has the bleeding been going on?  How long have you been on birth control?  Are you sexually active?  Did you take a pregnancy test before taking the birth control?

No. 

He sent me straight to the hospital to do a pregnancy test. 

The results were inconclusive. 

What does that mean?

That means you’re not pregnant now. 

Was I pregnant? 

The numbers aren’t such that we can confirm you were pregnant. 

So I wasn’t pregnant?

We can’t confirm that either. 

They did what they called a pharmaceutical DNC, and gave me lots and lots of iron pills and pain pills and other things to get me through the next few days.  I did eventually stop bleeding, right about the time the questions started swirling in my brain. 

Did I have a miscarriage? 

Did I deliver a baby in the bathroom of my parent’s house? 

No one seemed to be able to answer those questions. 

For almost eight years, I have wondered and agonized over those questions. 

And I have no answer. 

How do you grieve the loss of a child that you aren't sure ever existed? 

How do you forgive yourself for contributing to the murder of an innocent baby if you aren't sure it ever happened? 

I wanted someone to tell me.  I wanted someone to give me 100% assurance that I was or wasn't pregnant.  But no one could.  Or, maybe no one wanted to. 

There’s so much I don’t know.

But I do know this. 

My God loves me, and my God has the power to redeem even the most awful parts of my life. 

Nine months ago, God seared the faces of two little girls into my heart.  He softened the callous, insensitive corners of my soul and I cried out to Him in anguish as I grieved the loss of innocence, as I grieved the pain and suffering those two girls were being forced to endure. 

And over the last eight months, God has called my husband and me to be their parents. 

About four months ago, I realized that God was working big things in our lives, and I wanted to write it down.  I wanted to be able to set up a memorial that would remind me of all the little but yet so big ways God was actively forming and shaping our lives to take on this huge and awesome responsibility.  As I did so, I was stunned and awed when I realized that my “miscarriage-or-not” was about 9 months before the births of those two little girls.  They would be the same age as the child I may or may not have had. 

I could not grieve the loss of a child I did not know existed. 

But God gave me the opportunity to grieve anyways, this time for two little girls who were definitely alive and who definitely needed a mommy and a daddy. 

And not only has God given me the opportunity to grieve, but I believe that in His unfathomable goodness, He will give me a time to dance. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 says, “There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to harvest.  A time to kill and a time to heal.  A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.  A time to cry and a time to laugh.  A time to grieve and a time to dance.” 

I do not deserve God’s forgiveness.  I do not deserve to be a mother.  I put my life and my plans ahead of the safety and well being of a child whose existence I didn't have time to contemplate.  But God forgave me anyways.  And God gave me children anyways, first two boys that have captured my heart and now two girls who will teach me how to find joy and redemption.  Two girls who will teach me how to dance. 

Let me leave you with the words of Psalm 107: 1-2, 41-43:

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good!  His faithful love endures forever.  Has the LORD redeemed you?  Then speak out!  Tell others he has saved you from your enemies…he rescues the poor from their distress and increases their families like vast flocks of sheep.  The godly will see these things and be glad…Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the LORD.”

Babies Don’t Grow on Trees, You Know.

So, my boys talked me into renting movies (I am NOT a movie buff).  We went to Family Video, where kids’ movies are free, and I unsuccessfully tried to talk them into things like Barbie and Mermaid and Tips on French Braiding Hair.  We wound up with a Ninja Turtles, two types of Batman, and the Justice League.  I can’t wait until I have girls!

Anyways…

We’re watching Justice League, and Elastic Man’s wife makes a voluptuous entrance with her Elasti-Baby and Weiner Dog.  She says something like, “Hey Mr. Stretchy Pants!  You and your sidekick need to take the kid and the pooch to the Art Show!  Now!” 

I can’t say I am a fan of the show’s portrayal of family dynamics. 

Then, Mrs. Bossy says something that about makes me fall off my chair.  She parts with, “Make sure you’re careful.  Babies don’t grow on trees, you know.” 

At first I chuckled.  I mean, duh!  Of course babies don’t grow on trees.  Can you imagine them hanging from their belly buttons, kicking and wiggling?  Maybe it was because I wasn't getting enough sleep, but the whole thing just tickled me.  I laughed and laughed. 

The phrase stuck with me. 

And after awhile, I realized that as silly as it was, it was a concept that people everywhere didn't seem to grasp.    

In Eastern Europe, where our girls are living, people only love perfect babies.  Ones with physical, mental, or emotional differences are tossed aside and locked away in cold, calloused institutions where they are neglected, starved, and abused.  They are no different than the apples at the orchard that are dismissed from the sale shelf because they are spotted or misshapen or soft on one side.  But babies aren't meant to be treated like apples.  

In America, we have legalized murder.  We call it abortion.  We rip babies out of their mommies’ tummies before they’re ready to survive on their own.  It’s like the man who mows over his tomato plants before they've blossomed because he doesn't want to take time to mow around them.  But babies aren't meant to be treated like tomatoes. 

As I was thinking of all of these things, the verses from Matthew 19:13-15 came to my mind:   Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

And I grew angry at the people all around the world who treat babies like they are no more important than apples or tomatoes. 

It was then that a soft, still voice blew over my soul, stirred a memory in my head, and reminded me that I was no different. 

I used to treat my babies like they grew on trees. 

Sometimes, I still do. 

This is one of the most difficult lessons God has ever taught me, but it has definitely been the one filled with the most blessings. 

When Will was born, I was working at Wynford High School teaching Junior/Senior English, running the school newspaper, and planning prom.  I worked 60-70 hours a week, and was so occupied with my life at work that I often forgot to go home for dinner.  I even tried to schedule my baby’s due date over Easter vacation.    

I loved my job. 

So much so that I poured my whole heart into it—a heart that ultimately should have been God’s.  But I wasn't ready to surrender. 

It took a scary diagnosis and an incredibly patient and loving God to make me realize that he had called me to something far greater than what I was already doing. 

At three, Will was diagnosed with transient tic syndrome, a diagnosis that was later upgraded to Tourette’s Syndrome.  Up until that time, I was perfectly happy letting someone else—my mother—raise him and his brother, Michael, who is two years younger. 

What changed?  God used Will’s Tourette’s to make me see just how much I was missing and how precious the privilege of being a mother really is. 

When Will was diagnosed, we immediately began to search for ways to minimize his tics.  As we searched, we were encouraged to journal his daily diet and habits in order to find patterns and possibly triggers.  The main pattern that I began to notice throughout that process was that I did not spend very much time with my kids.  My mom actually fed them more meals a week than I did.  And it really bothered me. 

After twelve months of thinking and (not as much as I should have) praying over this revelation, God led our family to move out of our home state, away from our families and my job.  God used that time to knead and soften my selfish, hard heart, and when my husband suggested that I take this opportunity to stay home with our boys, I did not balk like I would have twelve months earlier. 

I decided to try my hand at being a stay at home mom.

I wasn't very good at it. 

I was impatient and inconsistent.  I was moody and easily frustrated.  I allowed my emotions to control my interactions with my children, and as a result, our relationship and their behavior did not improve.  After several months, I was desperate for help.  And just at that time, two new friends invited me to a Bible Study for Mothers. 

Through that Bible Study, I was introduced to Shepherding A Child’s Heart, a book by Ted Tripp that pulls amazing Biblical parenting advice and explains it clearly and simply. 

My life was changed!

I began to see my personal responsibility and privilege to parent my children, and I began to understand how to love my children through communication, discipline, and instruction.  I began to see that the focus of our interaction should not be their behavior but the state of their hearts.  I began to lead them to Christ and the glory of God’s redemption of our lives as I worked to know and understand them.  The difference was incredible. 

See, before, when I was not just a working mom but a work-a-holic-mom who hated leaving her job to go home to her kids, I didn't understand the value of my children.  But that changed, and as I started to search scripture, I began to see the truth of Psalms 127:3-5:  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

I also began to see that I was not unlike my children:  desperate for love and guidance from my heavenly Father.  I learned to help them see that I wasn't pushing them anywhere; I was walking with them to the arms of our Savior.  

The change in our family was drastic.  My boys stopped being angry because I had stopped being angry.  My boys began to adopt attitudes of compassion and grace and love because they saw God’s compassion and grace and love flowing through me. 

It was through learning to love my children as Christ would have me love them that I learned about God’s true love for me.  I began to comprehend the verses in Psalm 139:13-16:  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Since that time, my husband and I have read Shepherding a Child’s Heart together, and we are passionate sharers of our testimony.  God took our pitiful excuse for parenting, and by his grace, made us passionate searchers for Godly wisdom that will enhance our ability to make our children glorifiers of God. 

I fail daily.  I am selfish and lazy and impatient and fearful and unfocused on a regular basis.  But there is a difference now—I have tethered my calling as a parent to the will of God, and when I get off course, I work to confess my sins and align my actions with God’s directions in the Bible. 

And despite my daily failures, despite the moments when I still treat my precious children as if they grow on trees, God has chosen to add to our quiver through adoption. 

There will be hard days, and there will be days when I fail and when I am broken and when I must confess to God and my children that I have treated them poorly.  But I am confident that God is blessing us as we strive to follow His Will, and I am so grateful for his mercy. 

My prayer is this:  That we all may learn to appreciate children for what they are:  precious, beautiful gifts of God that are molded and formed and made in God’s image to give Him glory. 

 Ephesians 2:10: For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I CANNOT SAVE THE WORLD

This. Is. Me.

Could that be a mullet?  Maybe.  I admit nothing.

Growing up, I was THAT KID.  You know, the one that led No-Littering Marches across the playground, spent her lunch money on Save The Whales t-shirts, and donated her entire life savings ($4.85) to her cousin’s missionary trip to Hungary and Romania.  (Don’t worry, folks; I didn't send myself into destitution.   My uncle was so touched by my gift that he gave me $20, which I used to start the Send-Becky-To-Math-Camp-Fund.  Go ahead.  Read that sentence again.  You didn't make a mistake.  It says MATH camp.) 

Anyways—if there was a cause, I was at the center of it, busting my tail and doing everything in my power to “make a difference” and “save the world.” 

What a joke.

No one can save the world. 

And the truth is, I wasn’t made to save the world.  If I had that power, God wouldn’t have needed to send his one and only Son, Jesus, to do it.

The Bible is very clear that saving the world is HIS job: 

John 3:16:  For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

Psalm 27:1:  The Lord is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid?  The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Acts 4:11-12:   For Jesus is the one referred to in the Scriptures, where it says, “The stone that you builders rejected has now become the cornerstone.”  There is salvation in no one else! God has given no other name under heaven by which we must be saved.

So if that’s true, then why do I try to save the world?

Pride.

Arrogance. 

Because I think I’m good enough. 

But I’m not. 

Romans 3:23:   For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

Romans 5:8:  But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

1 Timothy 1:15:  This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all.

See?

When I try to save the world, several things happen. 

#1:  I forget my own need for God.  I become judgmental of others and start to focus on their sins, completely ignoring the fact that mine are vast and ugly as well.  I also see myself as the answer instead of God, and as a result, I neglect my Heavenly Father, who is, indeed, everything. 

#2:  I get weary.  The world is SO, SO big, and I am SO, SO, small.  I do not have what it takes, not the money, not the time, not the resources, not even the compassion to help every single person on earth who “needs my help.” 

#3:  I get angry.  I don’t understand, with all the work and effort I’m putting into saving the world, why things aren’t getting any better!  I question why God isn’t fixing things the way I want Him to!  But God is not on his throne in Heaven to do my bidding; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. 

When I was in college, all Freshmen had to take a class called World Changers.  It was this cliché that was thrown around campus so much that it turned into a big joke. 

And we were kind of right. 

Being a World Changer is a big joke. 

It’s like a cup thinking it can cure dehydration. 

Or a scalpel thinking that, all by itself, it can perform life saving surgery. 

Cups and scalpels are tools used by people to perform jobs.  They do not heal bodies.  They do not quench thirst. 

We are tools of Christ, used to do His bidding, used to spread His saving power and life changing grace.

We are cups and scalpels, not water and surgeons. 

So as a tool of Christ, the World Changer, what am I to do?

He gives me His instructions in Matthew 28:19-20:  “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

So it is my job to take Him to the ends of the earth so that He can save the world. 

When I realize this, that I am a tool of the World Changer, I find three tings to be true. 

#1.  I am not proud anymore.  To take Christ to others means that I must allow His light to shine through all my flaws, illuminating them as well as God’s grace and mercy and forgiveness and saving power.  Take Rahab, for example.  Though a changed woman, she will always be known as “the harlot.”  Talk about humility.  And talk about a shining light of God’s grace. 

#2.  I am refreshed.  It’s like playing football in the backyard of great-grandma Witter’s house when cousin Andy shows up and joins your team.  You can be losing by 20 touchdowns, but it’s okay because once he’s in the game, just snap the ball and hand off to him.  He’ll carry it to the end zone every time—with the whole opposing team on his back—because no one can tackle him.  That’s God.  He is unbeatable.  And YOU get to be on HIS team, if you humble your heart, turn from your sins, pick up your cross, and follow Him.  (A paraphrase of Luke 9:23)  

Yes, there is a cross.  A burden.  But it’s so much lighter than the sinful one we choose to carry around.  Here’s proof:  

Matthew 11:28-30:  Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

#3.  And finally…I’m not angry anymore.  Instead, I am filled with thankfulness when I realize that the God of the universe would use me to spread His world-changing message of eternal salvation and freedom from sin.  If there is still anger, it is not at God.  It is righteous anger, at those who profane the message of God and pervert it into something that defies His character and goodness.  And anger is (or should be) defined as this:  passion that motivates you to change something for the better.  Most the time, that change is something that must take place in my own heart—not someone else’s. 

I think, sometimes, in the adoption circles, people struggle with the idea of “Saving the World” because they’re continuously told things like what I myself have said to my adoptive parent friends: 

“You’re my hero!”

“You’re so brave!”

“I could never do what you are doing!”

And the truth is, while those words are nice to hear, they also come with expectations.  We as adoptive parents need to be brave heroes who do what no one else can do!  You begin to feel as though you are the only saving grace for these hurting children.  But even if you adopted 150 of them, there would still be more.  And that realization is enough to cripple even the bravest hero. 

I think, in order to be used by the one and only World Saver, we need to make it clear that we’re all “harlots” in our own ways.  We need people to understand that we are totally incapable of doing what we’ve been called to do—that surrendering to God in this is just as much about us being saved as it is the children we see as so desperately in need.  

We need to understand that, in God’s eyes, we’re all so desperately in need. 

Only then will others begin to understand that they don’t have to be a world changer or difference maker in order to follow God’s call to care for orphans.  They only have to be an empty cup.  A willing scalpel. 

God will do the rest. 

And when we all really get that, we’ll throw our capes and crowns at God’s feet, step back, and watch Him save the world. 

John 3:16-17:  For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.  God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

How You Can Help!

This post is hard to write.

While I am ALWAYS the optimistic one, God has shown me through this adoption process that in my heart, I struggle with doubt.  The place I've struggled the most is in finances.

One of my spiritual heroes is Hudson Taylor.  He was a China missionary, and without asking for a dime, he raised over 4 million dollars for missions in China.  His philosophy on fundraising was this:  let God work in people's hearts.  He will lay upon them the need, and you will be blessed for it.

I'm finding it so hard to trust that God will supply our need!  Ahhh!  (In Michael's words, "But I don't want to be human!")

But I do want to step out in faith, even if I'm a little shaky.

So...

Here is our need.  But please, don't give unless you are 100% sure it is God calling you.

What do we really need, most of all?

PRAYER.

Adoption is redemption.

But it's not just about redeeming our girls, though I know God will work in their lives.  It's about redeeming and changing our hearts.  Our boys' hearts. And that is HARD WORK!  It is painful and humbling, but oh, so good!

Please pray that we will not shy away from the conviction we are finding at every turn as we search through scriptures.  Please pray that we also hold our boys in the fire so that they may be refined as well.  And please pray for our girls.  Pray for their safety and their preparation.  They are in a BAD place.

UNDERSTANDING

We are going to make a lot of mistakes.  We have already made a lot of mistakes.  Please love us through!  That means two things:  giving us grace, and giving us truth.

Don't be afraid to ask questions or to talk to us about your concerns.  We'd rather hear it from you than feel it from you.

And please, be up front with us if we need to seek your forgiveness.  Our minds and our hearts are scattered right now.

Finally, please accept our apologies.  There may be many of them.  Hug us often.  Give us scripture.  Cover us in it . Cover our house in it.  Cover our cars in it.  Cover our children in it.  Feel free to use Sharpie.

RESOURCES

I am going to be Hudson Taylor.  I am not going to ask for money.  Do we have a need?  Yes.  But, please, don't give unless you are sure God is calling you to it.  We truly want to honor Him throughout this process.

Here is a link that shows our financial need:

Collier Budget

Here are some fundraisers we are working through, if you feel God's call.

Post-It Note Fundraiser 

Quiet Books and Art By Will

And we don't just need money!  We could use all kinds of things:  clothes, a dresser, girl toys (we're a tad short on those!) and things we haven't even thought of yet!  And you don't have to buy anything!  If you see something, shoot us a text or a message on Facebook to let us know about it, and we'll check it out.

Philippians 4:19  And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Jesus Christ.  

Submission: Part 2

I love to laugh. 

God knows that. 

I know God knows that because He graciously gives me 1,572 reasons to laugh every day. 

Like yesterday, when I got home from tutoring all morning only to find that my pants were on inside out. 

HAHA! 

It was the second time I had done it. 

I also like to look back and laugh at my past self. 

You know, the girl in high school who though she had more wisdom than her parents. 

HA. 

Or the mother of one, who, pregnant with #2, thought she had learned everything there was to know about parenting and who though she would have no problems with her second child because, of course, he would be just like kid #1. 

Right.

Because that happens to

NO ONE.

EVER. 

(This is our family...right around the time I thought I knew it all.  I also thought I wanted my husband to keep that thing on his chin forever.  Thank the Lord I saw the light on that one!)  

I now know that Kid #1 is only the first hurdle in the long distance race of parenting. 

I think that’s kind of how I was with submission.  I got over the first hurdle…thinking that the sinful beast of rebellion was conquered for good….only to find that I had climbed a mere foothill at the base of a long, tall chain of mountains. 

I have been studying James, and at the end of chapter 4, I found these verses:  13-17:  Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit.”  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.  What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.”  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.  Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.

I read these verses right before we were getting ready to announce to the world that we were going to adopt twin girls from Eastern Europe.  And I was like, “OH!  Wise point, James!  I need to add LORD WILLING to my big blog post announcement!” 

So off I went to the computer to type them in. 

As I pushed those keys, their weight became suffocating. 

LORD WILLING.

LORD WILLING.

LORD.

WILLING.

The Lord might not will us to do this!

But he called us to it!  We’re sure of that, I argued with myself. 

 And the still, small voice of heavenly reason whispered back, “Yes, Becky, but this journey is not about you.  Or the girls.  It is about bringing glory and honor to God.  You must be willing to submit to his path for you, even if it doesn’t end the way you plan.  To God be the glory.  Not to Becky.  Not even to the sweet souls known on Reece’s Rainbow as Nadia and Nancy.”  **

Ugh.  I clumped back to my study books. 

John MacArthur referred to people who boasted of their plans without leaving room for God’s divine sovereignty as practical atheists. 

That’s a pretty strong statement. 

But it’s true. 

Matthew Henry put it this way:  James says that we must be constantly aware of how dependent we are on God’s Will.  It is vital that we say “Lord Willing” at all times, reverently and seriously, out loud when appropriate and always in our prayers and devotions. 

The bottom line is, I can’t brag to the world that Marc and I are going to adopt these beautiful girls because: 

1.       That miraculous event would be God’s to claim, not ours. 

and

2.      We are followers of Christ, which means our futures are in His hands.  He controls the outcome of all of this….not me.  Not even Marc. 

As my sad, stubborn, rebellious hear began to process all of this, I reacted with humility, acceptance, and grace. 

NOT. 

I ran. 

I quit my Bible study on James for about 4 days and immersed myself in YAHOO News.  Because they get the facts STRAIGHT. 

And a Malaysian airplane was shot down. 

And troops “next door” began training exercises. 

And sanctions were flying back and forth so quickly that they were leaving streaks on my computer screen. 

I began to panic. 

What if?

What if? 

I knew where to go to find comfort. 

But I was afraid of what I’d be asked to give up. 

I went anyways. 

And I surrendered my rebellion.

I took off my yoke, and I put on His. 

Matthew 11:28-30:  Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” 

And I was lighter. 

And I did find rest. 

God soothed my troubled soul through the eternal perspective that radiates through scripture. 

James 4:14:  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. 

If my girls suffer their entire lives on this earth, their lives are still but a vapor compared to eternity.

Matthew 5:11-12:  God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.  Be happy about it!  Be very glad!  For a great reward awaits you in heaven.  And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way. 

If my girls suffer because of the fearful and wonderful way God made them, they will be rewarded in heaven. 

And then I read this beauty: 

Psalm 68:5  Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. 

Which means that while our girls are waiting for a family, God is their FATHER! 

Wow! 

It doesn’t get better than that! 

It doesn’t mean my girls aren’t suffering, either.

But GOD KNOWS that what the girls are gaining from their current situation is of far greater value eternally than earthly ease or comfort. 

I realized that Yahoo News was not truth, but that these things were: 

Bad guy troops cannot set foot onto good guy soil without God ordaining it. 

Matthew 8:27:  The disciples were amazed.  “Who is this man?”  they asked.  “Even the winds and waves obey him!” 

Our girls cannot be separated from God’s love. 

Romans 8:35-39:  Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love?  Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”)   No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

If I enter into life with the purpose of bringing glory to God, I cannot fail. 

2 Thessalonians 1:11-12:  So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call.  May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do.  Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him.  This is all made possible because of the grace of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ. 

And I must SUBMIT to HIS WILL.  And when I do, I will find that I can REJOICE, no matter where I find that path leading me. 

So, we may be adopting twin girls, if the Lord allows. 

But we will for sure be bringing glory to God. 

Isaiah 26:8:  Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart’s desire is to glorify your name. 

PS…We have news!  Click HERE or the “HERE” at the top of the page to find our latest update!  WOO HOO!!!!


**Nadia and Nancy are not the girls' real names.  They are also not the names we have picked out for them!  To check out what we're going to name them, click on this link and watch our youngest, Michael, teaching Russian!    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yKUPft1rZU